Investigating Kimura
by HaLire
Summary: Kimura's normally seen as a pervert, but Nyamo has a startling revelation. Naturally, Yukari and Nyamo work together to find the truth. Can they? Er... maybe. It'll be a fun ride nonetheless. Anonymous reviews allowed.
1. Pet Theory

**Author's Note: **So I got to thinking, which always tends to be a dangerous thing for me to do, and I realized something. Guess who hasn't been in any of my stories until now, and will thusly become the focal point of this one?

Yeah, that's right.

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Yukari sat at her desk in the teacher's offices, almost positive that she could see the clock on the wall actually slowing down and coming to a halt. She stared at the papers in front of her, frowning with the realization that trying to guess a student's score instead of actually grading it turned out to be far less accurate than she'd initially anticipated. Soon, she grew tired of simply sitting there, and began to fidget. Quietly at first, but after noticing that nobody paid her any mind for it, she decided to do it much more loudly. After a short while, she started casting furtive glances at Minamo, motioning with her eyes to the wall clock.

Minamo sighed and decided it'd be best for her to give the other teachers peace at the very least, and glanced around to see who was still there.

_Just Kimura._

She looked over to Yukari, who was now miming the motions of driving, and decided to call it a day anyway. "Well, Miss Tanizaki and I have to be heading home now. Have a nice weekend, Mr. Kimura. Don't forget to lock up."

"Wah! I must utter unto you a sad goodbye!" Kimura cried out.

"Sad?"

"Yes, deep, heartfelt regret that I won't be able to gaze upon your gorgeous visages for at least two painful days! Just the thought of it pierces my soul with relentless pangs of grief!"

"… er… right. Goodbye then," replied Minamo in as polite a fashion as she could manage. She exited into the school's main hallway, noting that Yukari was already halfway down.

The English teacher glanced over her shoulder and shouted at her. "C'mon, Nyamo, let's go! Burn rubber! Torch asphalt! Fill the streets with the weeping and wailing of the widowed!"

"There are still children here for club activities, Yukari! Keep your voice down!"

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The little blue car maneuvered its way along the Tokyo streets in a methodical manner that would have made traffic instructors weep with joy. It was very… standard. The same could not be said of the conversation that took place within the little blue car.

"Yukari… I've been thinking…" Nyamo said, quietly.

Yukari gasped and turned to her friend, feigning shock."What? You think? That's impossible, you're a P.E. teacher!"

"I swear, if I wasn't driving, I'd kill you. Right now. Violently." muttered the gym teacher through clenched teeth.

"You could let me drive."

"I only want to kill you, not both of us."

Yukari smiled nonchalantly, brushing off the declarations of murderous intent. "So anyway, you were thinking, yeah? Tell me these thoughts, Nyamo, so I can discern if they were actual thoughts. You never know, with you being a P.E. teacher and all, you might have mistaken an itch for a thought."

"Yukari…" Nyamo started, but was immediately cut off.

"No, wait! I've got it! You're going to profess your undying love for me, right? You've always secretly hoped that the saying 'Everyone's a little gay,' held true, so that you could fulfill your fantasies with your gorgeous childhood friend! A passion that you've kept secret since our high school days, for fear that your forbidden love would be rejected? Yes, of course, you've been lusting after me for years, but your puny gym teacher brain could never find the words! The angst built up in you, like air in a balloon, until you were on the verge of the bursting point! And now, of course, you have me as a captive audience, and you wa-"

"You really should stop reading so much fanfiction. It's messing with your head. Not everyone is a closet bisexual and sexual deviant."

"I don't hear you denying any of it," Yukari said, making an exaggerated kissing motion.

"Yukari, stop that."

"Wha? Oh, fine, if not that, then what is it?"

"I was thinking about Kimura."

The English teacher let her jaw drop. She paused for a few seconds, doing nothing but gaping at Minamo in a way that was eerily reminiscent of the classical literature teacher. "Kimura? Nyamo, I know that you're desperate for a man, and all, but seriously… Kimura? I know, I know, that's not actually an argument, but all I should have to say is 'Kimura?' and you should get my point."

"No, no, but…" Minamo paused for a second, trying to figure out how to make this clear to her friend. "Okay, why do you think Kimura's so bad?"

"Aha! So you do want Kimura! He's married, you know."

"Just answer the question."

"As you will, Nyamo, Homewrecker Adept. Kimura is a pervert. It's common knowledge, really. You've talked to the girls, and he's even gone in on your poolside gym classes on at least one occasion. It's plain to see why you shouldn't really get with Kimura."

"Okay, stop. Think. Kimura is pervy, yes? That's your argument… but has he actually acted on it? All he does is look."

"A lot of perverts just look."

"Not in the way Kimura does. When Kimura's looking, he makes it astoundingly clear that he's looking. He doesn't subtly sneak a peek, or that sort of thing, but he just shouts it out. Earlier today, even, he declared that he was saddened because he couldn't watch us anymore."

"So? He's a pervert with self confidence."

"Yeah, but he'd have to be an imbecile to outright declare it."

"And?"

"Kimura's not an imbecile. He's a classical literature teacher, you know. That kind of job actually does take some braininess."

"So what if he's smart? What if he just let his genitals hijack his mind, or something? Besides, he could be hitting on those girls, yeah? I mean, what if he's a pervert who's trying to take it to the next level?"

"Yukari… how long have we been working at that school?"

"Seven… eight years, maybe? I don't know. Still, Kimura was there when we started."

"And how long has he been acting this way?"

"Uh… lemme think… I don't think I remember him acting any other way."

"Exactly. So for seven or eight years, he's been acting like this. It's not a recent development or anything, so I'd find it kind of a stretch to think that he's just trying to ramp it up."

Yukari blew out a small puff of air in irritation. "Pfft. I don't see that stopping my 'He's just hitting on them' argument at all. You silly gym teacher, stick to basketball and not logical arguments!"

"Stop. Think. If he's been hitting on girls for these past eight years, then why hasn't he succeeded?"

"'cause he's creepy Mr. Kimura."

"No, I don't think that's it at all. Even if he doesn't have success within the school, he should have at least been seen with some girl outside the school. You simply cannot have a personality like that and not have a few people spying on you almost all of the time."

"So he's not lucky. What about the case with Kaorin? He definitely hits on her, so much that I feel bad for her. Come to think of it, I remember the year before that there was a similar situation with another girl, you know? I forget her name, but I definitely remember a few things about her..." Yukari grinned, remembering a few things that the student probably wouldn't want remembered.

Noting the look on Yukari's face, Minamo decided that she'd do best to drag her back on topic as soon as possible. "Like the bit where she was obviously a lesbian."

"Yeah, I remember that. And Kaorin too, eh? That Kimura guy certainly can pick them, can't he?"

"Yeah, he certainly can pick them. Each time he actually does focus on a girl, she turns out to be a lesbian, or at the very least generally not interested in men. He did that two years ago too."

"So he's got some bad luck, yeah?"

"No, Yukari. Each of those girls was always pretty obviously lesbian, at least, she was to everyone else."

"Maybe he's just blind to that kind of thing! Nyamo! Breakthrough theory! Kimura was raised by extremist religious nuts, and as a result he doesn't even believe in lesbians! His sex drive, supressed by religion, rages and calls out, thus creating a reason for his perverse ways! Fortunately, the strong moral values stemming from the religious upbringing stop him from doing anything more than looking and making a few lewd comments!"

"No, Yukari. He picks the girl who is guaranteed to reject him. Every single time, he always picks the one girl who, no matter what, wouldn't want him."

"So then, Holmes, what's your brilliant conclusion?"

"Kimura is not a pervert."

"What?" Yukari recoiled, shocked. She followed the statement to the obvious conclusion. "So you're saying that he just pretends to be a pervert?"

"Yep. My theory is that Kimura pretends to be a pervert."

Yukari still couldn't believe it. "Why, then? Accusations fall apart if there's no motive!"she shouted, incredulously.

"That's something… that I don't know." admitted Minamo, sagging in her seat.

"Gotcha."

"But I can find out. Yukari, I'm going to find a way to investigate this, somehow. I don't know how yet, but I can think about it tonight. Will you help me?"

"Are you sure that this isn't some extremely roundabout plan to get into my panties?"

"I'm not trying to get into your panties."

"Yet."

"Yukari…"

"Oh, fine, alright."

"Yeah, sure, okay. After all, what is a man? A miserable pile of secrets! Let's figure out what exactly this Kimura fellow's hiding!"

"Think up a plan tonight, we'll meet tomorrow morning and start our investigation."

"Roger-roger, chief!"

Minamo pulled into Yukari's driveway. "Well, here's your stop."

Yukari exited the car, but turned to Minamo before heading home. "Work hard, Nyamo! Rack your puny gym teacher brain for all that it could possibly be worth, because tomorrow we are embarking upon a most noble crusade! Tomorrow we fight for truth and justice! Tomorrow, we harden our hearts and we weather the horrific hardships that accompany the quest for such a noble and lofty goal! You must be prepared, Nyamo, such that we may conquer such a task as has been set forth before us!"

Minamo sighed. _It was my idea, and now she's the one getting all worked up over it. _"Yes, yes, Yukari. Get some rest, and write up a plan of some sort. Tomorrow, we'll uncover the ghastly truth."

"Kimura's skeleton, here we come!"

"What?"

"Skeletons in the closet! A saying, you silly gym teacher!"

"Go home already!"

Minamo sat in the driveway for a short while longer, making sure Yukari made it into her home before she sped off.

_The truth… it is a pretty noble quest, I guess._

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**Author's Note**: It's a Nyamo and Yukari fic! Kimura too! I've actually not written any stories with these guys playing anything more than bit parts, really. They don't appear at all in Wanderers or The Spin, and in Endeavors Nyamo does nothing, Kimura does about as much, and all Yukari manages is a short argument with Genji and Tomo. I've decided that I really do want to use them in stories later on, so I figured that I'd best get some practice in. Yukari and Nyamo are going to be the main characters for this story (surprise! shock!) but Kimura's going to be the focal point of the plot, so I guess it all balances out in the end.

Oh, and the other motive for this story, of course. Kimura's usually painted as simply a pervert, so I wanted to come up with another explanation for his actions. Here's hoping it doesn't sound too ridiculous in the end, yeah? This story will probably be fairly short, but hey, we'll see.

Read and review, because IT PLEASES ME.


	2. Mai Kimura

**Author's Note**: Woah! An update almost exactly 24 hours after I posted the first part of this story? Yeah, that's right. Why? Because I had a lot of stuff planned out for this story, which has been bumming around in my mind for a while, and I just had to get to work on this sort of thing.

Also, there was a mental image that simply wouldn't leave my head until I put it into the story, so there it is. I hope you like it as much as I liked it.

Without further inane blabbering to myself and only myself, here's the story! Read, enjoy, and review! (second step optional)

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Minamo stepped out of her car and shaded her eyes against the curiously strong morning sunlight. She made her way down the familiar walkway to her friend's house, feet tracing steps they'd made countless times before. Politely, she rang the doorbell and waited for it to open and reveal a familiar figure.

"Hello, Mrs. Tanizaki," Nyamo said to the woman in the doorway. She bowed politely, and continued. "Is Yukari home?"

"Oh, Minamo, dear, there's no need to be so polite," said the cheerful woman in the doorway. "Come in, come in! Yukari's getting ready, so it may be a while."

"Thank you for your hospitality," replied Minamo, rising up and walking into the Tanizaki household. She sat down on the familiar chair, and waited for her friend. Looking over to the older woman, she grinned and tried to make some light conversation. "That's odd, isn't it, Mrs. Tanizaki?"

"What is?"

"Yukari actually getting prepared for something, I mean."

"Oh, yes, yes. It's strange that I didn't have to go in and wake her up for you."

"Stranger still that she's actually preparing. Most of the time she'll just throw on a few clothes and we'd be on our way."

"I wonder what she's doing in there. Any theories?" asked the older woman.

Minamo paused for a second, giving the question some actual thought. "Yeah, what could she possibly be prepa-"

"I'm ready, Nyamo! Heaven or Hell, let's rock!" shouted Yukari in an excited manner that was not at all suited for the relative calm of the morning hours.

Minamo's only response was to stare at Yukari blankly. The elder Tanizaki's response was similar. Between the two of them, they created an oppressive wall of quiet.

Yukari, however, was well trained in breaking down such walls. "What're you two staring at?"

"What," answered Minamo, "exactly are you wearing, Yukari?"

She said this all the while staring at the bewildering getup that her friend had actually managed to scrounge together. The English teacher wore a vivid purple-red overcoat, with matching pants. Under the overcoat she wore a jet black dress shirt. That in itself, while appalling to the eye, was not the most shocking part of Yukari's outfit. The piece of attire that tied the entire getup together was this absolutely bizarre piece of fluffy white cloth that seemed to be tied around Yukari's neck, sticking out front and center, drawing a ludicrous amount of attention to itself. Part of the reason for Minamo's silence was the fact that she could not figure out if it was a collar or simply an extremely large handkerchief that Yukari was wearing.

"Oh, that? It's important for today, you know."

"What? How?"

"Put this on!" said the English teacher, grinning at her friend. In her hands, she held a blue business suit, complete with white dress shirt and a bright red tie.

"Yukari… I'm not going to put that thing on."

"But you've gotta! I even got the badge and everything, see?"

"I'm not putting it on."

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"Yukari…" Minamo muttered irritably.

"Yes, Phoenix?" asked Yukari, ignoring the

"Stop calling me that. I still don't know how you convinced me to put this thing on."

"Obviously, because it fits you to a tee! You're trying to prove Kimura's innocence, so of course you're going to be the defense attorney!"

"And you?"

"I'm the prosecution, of course!"

"You do realize that we're just investigating, right, and that this isn't a courtroom case or anything, right?"

"Yeah, I thought of that. You said that Kimura only pretends, right? So obviously he would act perverted if he knew that we were watching…"

"Yeah, you've got that right."

"But he won't act perverted in front of Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth!"

"This is probably the single worst idea that you've ever had ever."

"Really? What about that one time, with the chocolate and the whip and the gerbils?"

"This is worse than that by a tiny amount."

"I happen to think this is a brilliant idea!"

Realizing the futility of the argument, Minamo focused once more on her driving. Spotting an opportunity to change the subject decisively, she decided to take the initiative in the conversation. "We're almost there."

"Are we? Uh… where exactly are we going?"

"Kimura's house, of course."

"Right to Kimura's house? So quickly? That kills all of the suspense! What exactly are you planning on doing?"

"Asking a few questions, of course."

"He'll get suspicious. You obviously have no idea how to do this sort of thing."

"Oh, and what would you suggest?"

"Your puny gym teacher mind couldn't possibly comprehend the brilliance of my plan," answered Yukari, flashing a wan smile at her friend.

"It's not 'Lie like a dog,' is it?" asked Minamo, parking the car.

Yukari's only answer was to step out of the car and start walking towards the doorway.

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Minamo caught up with her only a short while afterwards, but not before Yukari had managed to ring the doorbell. "What are you doing?" she asked. "How do you even know this is the right house?"

"Mailbox."

"Fine, I'll give you that. But what's your plan?"

"Follow my lead. It'll ease the strain on your miniscule brain."

"Stop that! Follow your lead?" Minamo asked angrily. "This was my fu-" she caught herself as she noticed the doorway opening. She looked at the person greeting them, and took a few seconds to recognize the face.

_Mrs. Kimura!_

"Oh, hello! Good morning to you, and god bless."

Yukari leaned over to her friend and whispered, "See? God bless! Five thousand yen says that my hyper-Christian theory is true."

"Yukari, she's staring at us."

"Aha, Mrs. Kimura! Good morning to you too!" said the English teacher, completely ignoring the fact that she'd been completely ignoring Mrs. Kimura. Luckily for her, Mrs. Kimura seemed to be perfectly happy with ignoring the fact. "I'm Miss Tanizaki, and this is Miss Kurosawa. We're your husband's colleagues, and we decided to pay a visit to his house today!"

"Oh my, you must have been trying to make such an impression!" exclaimed the woman happily. "You've both dressed up in such interesting suits!"

"Thanks, we try." Yukari answered, casting a sidelong glance at Minamo.

"Oh, would you like to come in?" Without waiting for an answer, she started back into the household.

"Ready to cross the threshold?" asked Yukari.

"What?"

"Should we hold our breath?"

"Just go in."

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The two teachers sat together on a large couch, and across from them sat Kimura's wife.

"Ah, Mrs. Kimura," started Minamo.

"Please, call me Mai."

"Er, Mai, where is Mr. Kimura?"

"Oh, Masaaki isn't home right now. He took Nanako out to the park today, so he's not going to get home for quite some time."

"Nanako?"

"Nanako is our daughter." Mai answered, motioning to a picture of her, Mr. Kimura, and a young girl.

"She looks so smart!" Minamo whispered to Yukari.

"Yeah, I noticed." Yukari glanced to the picture and looked back to Mai. She reached up and adjusted her ridiculous collar a little bit, and then smiled pleasantly. "So Mr. Kimura's a pleasant family man, is he now? That's nice to know. You three look like such a happy group together."

"Oh, you're too kind!" answered Mai, smiling pleasantly. "Ah! Look at the time! It's already noon!"

"Hmm? Noon? Really? Wow!" Yukari said, glancing over to her wrist.

_You're… not wearing a watch at all, Yukari, _thought Minamo. _This isn't a game! Stop messing around!_

"Yeah! It's amazing how time flies! Would you like to stay for lunch?"

_Kimura really is a lucky man_. _His wife, she's so pretty, and furthermore she's got a personality like an angel! She's really too kind!_

"Sure, we'd love to!" answered Yukari.

"That's wonderful!" exclaimed Mai happily. "I'm afraid I don't have anything more sophisticated right now, so you'll have to settle for some of my homemade ramen."

"Oh, don't worry about us, we'll be just fine!" said Yukari, smiling reassuringly.

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The two women sat quietly in the room, simply listening to Mrs. Kimura hum to herself as she prepared lunch.

"Yukari," Minamo whispered furiously, "what the hell were you thinking?"

"What do you mean?"

"Accepting her offer, I mean!"

"I heard free food. What did you expect me to do?"

"Politely turn her down, of course!"

"I think it would've been rude to turn her down, really."

"Really now, Yukari, you've got to stop thinking with your stomach. We're going to get painted in a bad light in her eyes, you know. Besides, I've followed your lead, and we have gotten exactly zilch in the way of information so far. So what, exactly do you have to show for all your efforts?"

"Okay, so far we've talked to Mrs. Kimura for a short while, right?"

"Yeah, and so far we've accomplished… not much at all."

"What are you saying? Oh, never mind, you're so simple-minded Nyamo! All of that time we spent talking with her and you think I was just having fun? No, no, conversation's always based off of information, so we just have to look through it and figure out what she told us without kno… Oh, hello Mrs. Kimu… er, Mai!"

"Sorry it took so long! Lunch is ready, ladies! I'm sorry that it's so plain."

"Oh, you're too kind," Nyamo answered.

"Waah! It's delicious!" exclaimed Yukari, diving into the meal with far more gusto than was necessary for polite dining.

"I'm glad you like it," said Mai, smiling.

_Follow my lead, she says. So far, she's just been eating. Then again, I have no idea what she expects to get out of this, and I guess it's not like the situation can get too much worse. I'll just sit back and let her do her thing._

"Hah! Finished!" exclaimed Yukari happily. "Ah, it was delicious!"

_What? Already?_

"Oh my, you eat so fast! I wish I could convince Nanako to eat like that. Ever since she was a little girl she's given me such trouble feeding her. She's picky, extremely so, and she's so small. Masaaki and I have always been worried about our little Nanako. She's not so bad anymore, but I still wish that she had more of an appetite."

"Oh, really? That's so sad to hear," Yukari replied sympathetically. "At least she's grown up by now, so at her age you should be more or less in the clear. Speaking of which, how old is she?"

"Oh, Nanako? She turns nine in a little under three months from now. Would you like to come to her birthday party?"

"A party? That would be splendid, we'd love to come. Perhaps we can invite some of the girls from school as well. There's a group I'm thinking of right now who have made friends with a 12 year old prodigy at the high school, so they'll probably be very friendly with your little girl as well."

"Oh, really, that sounds wonderful."

Yukari glanced down at her wrist one more, pretending to check her watch. "Oh dear! Look at the time!" she exclaimed, feigning shock. "I'm afraid that Kurosawa-sensei and I have got some other business to attend to today, so we really must be going now. I'm sure it won't be half as pleasant as this, though. Perhaps we should get together another time for a girl's night out, yeah?"

"Maybe sometime down the line," answered Mai.

"Come now, Nyamo, we must be going." Yukari said, tugging Minamo to her feet and towards the door. "Sorry to leave in such a fluster, but it really is some unpleasantly urgent business."

"Oh no, I understand! Have a nice day!"

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The two women sat in Minamo's car again, driving off with no particular destination in mind.

"So, Yukari, what exactly did you figure out with your brilliant detective's mind? What exactly did we gain from that whole conversation?"

"You mean I actually have to spell it out for you?" Yukari looked at Minamo, shocked.

"You didn't find out anything, did you." Minamo frowned, and turned back to the street.

"No, no, we did find out a lot of information. I guess I simply overestimated your pu-"

"Don't say it. Just tell me what wonderful information you supposedly gleaned from that."

"Okay, what have we learned about Kimura? He's not at home right now. He's at the park with his daughter, Nanako. Speaking of which, he seems to be quite the family man, given what Mai Kimura has told us. His daughter is eight years old, and furthermore there were some complications with her appetite and possibly her health while she was a little girl."

"Okay, anything else?"

"She seems to still be fairly infatuated with Kimura, despite their marriage having gone on for nearly nine years now. She's either been blind to all of the things that Kimura does at the school, or she knows something that assures her that none of that is anything to worry about, and that perhaps it's even a noble sort of thing to her. Oh, and Mrs. Kimura at least believes in a god, if not the Christian god, so my hyper-religious theory still holds water."

"You know what I think?"

"You're a gym teacher, Nyamo. You don't think."

"I'm going to ignore that for now. I think that that whole bit right there was just a waste of time. You and her just chatted back and forth, but we didn't actually learn anything relevant to the investigation. What did we get out of it? Nothing but some free ramen, although it was admittedly delicious."

"Yeah, that was some really good ramen."

"What I don't get is why we had to leave before I finished my meal."

"We had to give off the image of being flustered, of being in a rush, you know? If not, we could get stuck at Kimura's house, chatting with Kimura's wife instead of making some progress on our investigation."

"Which we haven't so far, as I've already said."

"Nah, that's totally wrong. All information can be beneficial. The more you know, the clearer the truth becomes. Therefore, any bit of information we can get about Kimura can help us figure out exactly what he is."

Minamo sighed, knowing full well that Yukari would never agree to having wasted their time. "Okay, so if we had to blast out of there to make progress in our investigation, I've got to ask you, where are we going to make progress in our investigation?"

"You mean I actually have to tell you?" asked Yukari exasperatedly.

"Just say it Yukari. No lip."

"Well, we got a lot of information, but there's only one bit of information that we can actually act upon. To the park, Mr. Wright!"

"Stop that."

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**Author's Note**: Whee. Yukari loev videogames. This story's actually fairly fun to write, which makes me glad. I don't actually have an estimate on how many chapters it'll take, mostly because I've already had to split up what I intended to be the prologue into more than one chapter because it flowed better that way. I still doubt that it'll be even as long as Endeavors, though, so it should be over fairly quickly.

Oh, and there are probably going to be video game references in various places made by everyone's favorite English teacher, so if you catch them, have a cookie. Good luck.

Yadda yadda, I can't really think of anything else to say, aside from the standard sort of thing like "**THIS IS DELICIOUS STORY, YOU MUST REVIEW IT. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW"**


	3. Evidence

**Author's Note: **'Tis a new chapter! Behold! To the park, where Kimura and Nanako are doing whatever it is that families do at parks. I didn't like parks much as a kid, you know, I was kind of reclusive. My only impression of parks is... actually, I don't have one. Therefore, this chapter should be interesting.

Read, review, and enjoy.

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Sakaki sat quietly in the park, trying her best to not be noticed. It was no secret that she was rather blessed in the body she'd received. It was tall, it was athletic, and rather good at turning heads, although Sakaki herself wasn't terribly fond of that last aspect. The body was, in fact, pretty good all-around, and one would be hard-pressed to find an aspect that was bad or even average for that matter.

She made use of one of those aspects, her rather wonderful vision, to watch things from a distance without getting actively involved in the situation. Today, she watched a little girl with bright green hair arranged like a four-leaf clover. Sakaki's affinity for adorable things drew her attention to the girl, but she was absolutely shocked when she saw the person the girl was playing with.

The girl looked almost a mirror-image of Sakaki in her youth, which was jarring enough, but the similarities didn't end there. She could see that the girl was somewhat awkward, and that despite the little green girl's efforts, she still seemed somewhat quiet and withdrawn. The girl did everything proper for her situation, but somehow still looked uncomfortable.

Sakaki sympathized with her.

"Is that her?" asked a familiar voice.

"Playing with Koiwai's daughter? Yeah, I think so," replied another familiar voice.

Sakaki turned slightly, and in doing so turned her attention to two people crouching in the bushes, one dressed in a bright purple suit and the other dressed in a bright blue suit. Yukari and Kurosawa, respectively, although what they were doing at the time was quite a mystery to Sakaki.

"Is that Koiwai's daughter?" Yukari asked, not noticing Sakaki.

Minamo, too concerned with berating Yukari, also did not notice Sakaki. "You helped him with translating some things a few months ago, don't you remember? Besides, how could you forget her? She's got _green_ hair."

"Yeah, I guess that is a little hard to miss. Can you see him yet?"

"Koiwai's daughter seemed to go out as she pleased, so I don't think he'd be here with her."

Minamo sighed heavily. "Not Koiwai, Kimura. Why would we be looking for Koiwai?"

"Well, he is single, and you a…" Yukari trailed off, noticing Minamo's glare.

Her friend's expression softened, and Yukari grinned back. "Aww, dear, I knew you could never be mad at your beloved Yuka-chan."

"Not that, behind you."

"Hmm?" Yukari turned swiftly, facing Sakaki. "Aha! A spy! Who are you working for? The soviets? We'll stop you, you commie spy!"

Sakaki was shocked by the accusation out of the blue and was not entirely sure how to respond. "I… er… I'm not a soviet spy…"

"Yukari, she's not a soviet spy." Minamo confirmed.

"No, we've got to prosecute her! Criminals always lie, you know, so the only way to attain true justice is to get them all convicted guilty!"

"There's probably something severely flawed with that theory of law."

"No, you fool, you don't get it, do you? Of course you don't, you're just some rookie defense attorney, and so you wouldn't understand. You simply don't have the same heart as a prosecuting attorney."

"I could've sworn that the joke was that attorneys in general don't have hearts."

"Erm, if you don't mind me asking," Sakaki said, inserting herself back into the conversation, "why are you two at the park?"

"I should ask you the very same question!" shouted Yukari. "Leering eerily at little girls while hidden away, were you? Aha, perhaps the similarity between her and Kimura's daughter is more than just looks. Blood relations, perhaps?"

"I'm sorry about Yukari, really," said Minamo. "We're here investigating Kimura, due to a few pet theories that we've got bouncing around. We were looking for him, but it seems that we only found his daughter."

"Oh. Well, he's actually just over there… I picked this spot specifically because he couldn't see me."

"You see, Nyamo?" Yukari started. "He's obviously acting perverse towards Sakaki, forcing her to hide in the bushes lest she languish underneath his lecherous glare!"

"That's still her perception, I think. We need some real evidence, Yukari. That'll point towards the truth."

"What's say you we do an experiment?"

"Is 'What's say you' even proper grammar?"

"I didn't hear no. Get your wallet. Sakaki, are your friends here?"

"Osaka, Tomo, and Yomi are somewhere else in the park, doing… er… I don't know what, really. I saw them somewhere over that way, but I didn't approach them."

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"Tomo… Tomo, you aren't seriously considering this, are you?" Yomi asked, eying her friend nervously.

"Well, it depends on what they're going to pay."

"Tomo… this is _Kimura._"

"Yeah, you do have a point. What exactly did you want again, Yukari?"

Minamo sighed. _Geez, so informal?_

"What? Oh, right. We're investigating Kimura, so of course we need evidence one way or another that he's a pervert, right? Well, the best way to get evidence is to make it."

"Isn't that kinda illegal?" Osaka asked.

"No." replied Yukari, not batting an eye.

"Oh, alrigh' then. As you were, Miss Yukari."

"So we're gonna do a little experiment. We're going to run two of you by him and see how he reacts, but we're not going to do it so dully. You two are going to have to stop in front of him and kiss each other, in order to bust out maximum temptation. If Kimura really is of noble heart and soul, then he won't react at all."

"Oh, I gotcha then," said Osaka. "It's a trap, just like Endor."

"Wha? Oh, nevermind, Are you two willing to do it? Nyamo's got deep, deep pockets."

Yomi glanced back and forth between Tomo and Yukari, recognizing all too well the familiar sight of a plan slowly forming in their heads. More urgently, she realized the necessity of her doing something to stop the plan from coming to be. She glanced over to Osaka and realized that that girl would probably be no help at all right now. Turning to Minamo with the air of someone who was at her wit's end, she made a desperate effort to save herself from her fate.

"Miss Kurosawa, what exactly is your theory about Kimura? Out of curiosity, of course."

"Oh, well, we got to thinking about Kimura yesterday, and after a little bit of thinking,"

"'cause that's all she could manage," inserted Yukari.

"… after a little bit of thinking," continued Minamo, unfazed, "we realized that Kimura's actions don't really make sense as they are. You see, everyone says that he's a pervert, right? He makes lecherous comments, leers at people, and… that's it, isn't it? That's all he does, you know? He just looks, and leers, and most of all he's incredibly obvious about it. He's a pervert without the will to continue on and kick it up to the next level, and yet he doesn't even try to keep it hidden. As a matter of fact, he seems to try his hardest to make everyone else think he's a pervert."

"Think? So you think he's pretending, do you?"

"We're all players on the world's stage." Osaka said nonchalantly.

Everyone stared at her, silence hanging in the air. Yomi decided to voice what everyone else was thinking. "That's… unusually profound for you."

"Oh, sorry 'bout that."

Yomi sighed, realizing that despite delaying time with Kurosawa's theory and Osaka's statement, she had found absolutely nothing that could stop Yukari and Tomo.

"So, how's five thousand yen sound?"

"Wonderful."

Yomi resisted sagging to the ground, realizing that she couldn't do anything, that she was powerless to stop anyone. Tomo smiled at Yukari, grinning her perfect smile. In that smile, Yomi saw her impending torment.

Osaka smiled as well, albeit less toothily. "Excuse me, Miss Yukari, but don'tcha think you've got a little discrepancy between your plan and your experiment?"

"What? He's either a pervert or he isn't, so we'll have to see if he's perverse, Osaka. Come on now."

"No, no, don'tcha see it? Right there, there's your contradiction, really."

"Hey, I'm Edgeworth here, don't go pointing out contradictions to me!"

"Wha? Oyah, anyway, you can't tell? You're a teacher, I thought you'd figure it out, but I guess if you proposed the plan you wouldn't anyway. The problem is that your theory here's that Kimura's just a great pretender, righ'? Yah, yah, but you see, the experiment doesn't fit. If Kimura only pretends to fool the school, then he should still be pretending in front of Tomo and Yomi, so you can't use girls from our school, it won't work."

"…"

"As much as it surprises me," Yomi said, attempting to cover up her relief. "Osaka's really quite correct here. It doesn't work."

"Hm, I suppose so," Yukari said. "Oh well, Minamo, we've got to find some other girls. Have a nice afternoon, ladies."

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"You're looking for someone to tempt that guy?" asked a girl.

"You know, Yukari, I think this one might be good. She's a high school kid alright. Er, who are you again?"

"My name is Fuuka! It means the scent of the wind! Anyway, I already walked by that guy, and he didn't really give me any looks or anything, so if you're worried about him being a pervert, I don't think you've got too much to worry about."

"Aha, thank you for your help!" Minamo said, smiling.

"Nah, I don't think you really helped," Yukari replied, frowning at the girl.

"What? Why not?"

"Too plain, I don't think you'd have drawn his attention either way. Do you have a pretty older sister? Maybe a college girl?"

_So… cruel,_ thought Minamo. _How can she be so cruel to people she doesn't even know?_

Fuuka wandered off without saying anything else.

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"Whaat? Yuka-chan, you can't… you can't be serious, can you?"

"Yukari… I take what I said this morning back. This is now officially the worst idea you've ever had ever, even worse than the suits, and even worse than the chocolate and the gerbils and the tube."

"What about the one with the funnel and the eels?"

"Still worse, but let's not go into detail about that one."

"Yeah, I gotcha, they're probably too young."

"No, let's just never go into detail about that one ever."

"But as I recall, you liked the eels."

"Yukari…"

"Miruchi, what's the worst that can happen? They're going to pay us, and that way we can go hang out without having to ask our parents for money. Chiyo keeps showing us up like that, you know."

"Showing us up? It's not a competition, Yuka-chan."

"Oh, let's just ask them what we need to do first, yeah? Well, lady, what do you want us to do?"

"Okay, you see that guy with the glasses over there? Yeah, what we want you two to do is to simply walk past him, and maybe do a few things in front of him. You're good friends, right? Therefore, you shouldn't have a problem with doing a bit of hugging and kissing with each other, right?"

Minamo recoiled, shocked at Yukari's forwardness. She stepped forward, ready to strike some sense into her friend, but the little girl beat her to the punch.

Miruchi shoved her friend over, and stared straight into Yukari's eyes, looking through her. "Miss… er… for a second, listen to me, despite me being so little. Stop. Think. That's all you should need to do." With that said, Miruchi continued to glare at Yukari, her eyes probing deep into Yukari's mind, and it seemed like something snapped within the older woman.

Yuka shoved her friend back over, and smiled. "So, how much were you offering again?"

Yukari, realizing what she was asking, recoiled slightly. She smiled wanly at the little girl, and then looked past her. "I… uh… I like shorts! They're comfy and easy to wear."

"What?"

"…Light years doesn't measure time, it measures distance!"

"You broke her, Miruchi."

"It's probably for the best, Yuka-chan."

"It is," said Minamo, slowly pulling Yukari away.

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A girl wandered along the park, dressed in a bright red bunny suit, complete with ears. Granted, it wasn't really so much a bunny suit as much as it was a red swimsuit with bunny ears on a headband and a cotton tail .She seemed entirely uncomfortable with her suit, although it definitely suited her pretty face and figure. Red hair framing a soft face completed the outfit, and she walked nervously past Kimura and his daughter.

Another girl ran up from behind her, leaping at the lady in red and tackling her to the ground. This second girl was dressed in the same revealing bunny suit, although hers was an entirely black affair.

The girl in black laughed, glanced around, and then shouted, "Mikuru, why, you look so ridiculously adorable in that bunny suit! Why… why I could just… I could just eat you all up! Ahahah!" With that, she leaned down and began to nibble on the red girl's (human) ear.

"M… Miss Suzumiya… p-please! N…not in… p-public!" protested the girl in red, although it was plain to all that the one dressed in black didn't care.

"Waa! But how could I resist!"

"Wh…why are you doing this, Miss Suzumiya?"

Kimura stared at the two girls for about half a minute, and got up from his bench. Calling out to his daughter, he said, "Come now, Nanako, it's getting late. We've got to get back to mom now. Say goodbye to your friend."

"Yes father. Goodbye, Yotsuba," said the little girl, impossibly polite, and she left, taking her father's hand.

"Yotsuba? I'm here to take you back home as well," said another girl.

"Oh, hello Fuuka! Why're you so glum-looking?" asked Yotsuba, smiling.

"…"

"Oh, so it's that again."

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"I guess it was too much to hope that you would abandon your plan and suffer a sudden bout of maturity, right Yukari?"

"Yep."

"So… shamelessly. Well, at least we got our… evidence."

"You know what's weird?"

"Yukari, you hired two girls dressed in bunny suits to put on a display in front of our colleague who may or may not be a pervert. Furthermore, we're both dressed in suits that, if you are to be believed, represent famous lawyers. This entire thing is weird, unless you've got another shocking revelation for me."

"I only hired the one in black."

"There was a red bunny girl just wandering the park?"

"I guess so. The black one was a good deal, though."

"Oh, so you got a discount on temptation? Actually, are there even established prices for that kind of thing?"

"No, no, she said that I only had to pay half price and put up some advertisements for this… er… I don't know, this SOS Brigade in the hallways at our school."

"I don't think you're allowed to sell our school as adverti… You know what? Nevermind, we got what we came for, I guess, so let's just go home."

"Yes, we got a lot of information today. Should we do a recap right now?"

"No. We'll take a break on Sunday, and on Monday we'll do a little more investigation and finally find the truth."

"Sounds good. Let's find a bar and toast the truth. More fun than recaps."

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**Author's Note**: There were a lot of cameos in this one. Holy crap. Anyway, the investigation proceeds nicely... Well, I guess that's really not for anyone to judge.Oh, and the little video game reference here is a little bit... well, it's kind of vague, you know. If you got it, feel free to mention it. Just remember that I am really nerdy for some childish stuff, so that might snag it for you. Yadda, yadda, there's really nothing else to say here, aside from the usual.

I feed upon reviews, and it's best to keep your writers well fed, lest quality suddenly take a nosedive when I leave in the middle of a section to find a snack and forget where I've been.


	4. Kimuramari

**Author's Note**: Whee, it's a new chapter. It's delicious. Oh, and there's all that standard stuff that goes here. I don't own Azumanga Daioh, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Paranoia Agent, or Katamari Damacy. I also don't own several thermonuclear warheads, although it'd make life a ton more interesting.

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"Our SOS Brigade is looking for mysteries of the world. People who have run into something mysterious in the past, people who have run into something mysterious recently, people who plan on having a mysterious experience in the near future, if any of the above apply to you, come see us! We will solve your problem on the spot! However, a normal mystery will not do. It has to be a mystery that wows us! Make note of that"

"Chiyo, what are you doing?"

"Oh, hello Miss Kurosawa! I was just reading at this poster on the wall."

Minamo glanced over to a small poster plastered on the wall. _She actually put them up… _

"Erm, Miss Kurosawa?"

Minamo realized that she had been spaced out, and flushed red. "Yes, Chiyo?"

"If this is a poster for the SOS-Brigade, then… why does the logo say ZOZ?"

"I'm… I'm sure there's a reason, Chiyo."

"Hey, I got a question for ya, teach," called a familiar voice. Osaka had managed to slip into the situation unnoticed. Of course, she worked hard to rectify that. "Well, y'know how you and Yukari were all busy on Saturday spyin' on Kimura?"

"You don't have to say it that way. We were investigating Kimura, not spying on him."

"Yeah, yeah, same difference. Anyway, I asked Miss Yukari if y'all found anything interesting on Sunday, and all she replied with was 'Sunday's for hangovers,' so I wanted to ask you about… er… that, I s'pose."

"Erm… actually… don't worry about that. Yukari says some crazy things sometimes, so it's pretty important to ignore her. Looking too deep into it will only result in strife. Lots and lots of strife."

"And gonads?"

"…no. Go to class."

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Kagura sighed, idly tapping her pencil on her desk. She stared out the window, looking down into the gleaming blue pool, longing to feel the cool, comforting touch of the water against her skin. Unfortunately, now was not the time for that. This was Yukari's English class, and there was very little swimming to be done in this class, excluding one of the English teacher's bizarre whims.

Speaking of bizarre whims, Yukari was smiling a little too pleasantly at the class this morning. The grin seemed predatory, but playfully so, like a cat contemplating whether or not it wanted to eat the mouse just yet.

"So anyway, I think that as a class you guys have been pretty lazy," Yukari started, "so I've decided that the time is now for a biggish assignment! However, we are also supposed to support the freedom of ideas for the students, and your brilliant English teacher has decided to take down two birds with one charged shot, so I'm giving you a longish assignment with plenty of freedom!"

Kagura sighed, watching Ooyama raise his hand. "Excuse me, Miss Yukari, that sounds all well and good, but what exactly is this assignment?"

"Ooyama, this is why you were fired and replaced with a grade-schooler: You don't let me finish! Anyway, this is going to be… a free-writing assignment! You kids have until the end of class to write a few sentences… nay, paragraphs, on the subject at hand! I will collect them all at the end of class, and so I suggest that you get started!"

Chiyo looked over at Ooyama, who sank in his desk, obviously hurt by Yukari's callous dismissal. She decided to be the one to ask the question this time around and raised her hand nervously.

"What? Chiyo, do you want to be fired too?"

"No, no… it's just that… you didn't tell us what the subject was, and what language to write in."

"Well, this is an English class, so you're going to write in Japanese, of course. If you try to figure it out, you're not going to manage it, so just trust me on this one. Write your thoughts out in Japanese, because it's important that they come through loud and clear. As a matter of fact, write them in a way that will prevent them from being misinterpreted, like you were creating evidence for a trial of some kind. Oh, and of course, you're going to need your subject. What is it? It's… our good friend… Mr. Kimura! Haha! Write away, children!"

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_Follow her lead, she said._

Minamo sighed, watching her class pay more attention to Yukari in another room than they did to her at the moment. She smiled wanly at her students who, by this point, were used to listening to the English teacher's various outbursts. The last part of the outburst, however, shocked everyone in the room, including Minamo.

"Also, Minamo's class, I know you've been listening in on me, you mischievous children. You've got this assignment too!"

Kaorin recoiled, shocked.

_Write a paper about Kimura? I have to be in that bastard's class for homeroom, and in my other classes I have to write about him? Hell!_

She stood up, outraged. "Miss Kurosawa, she can't be serious… can she?"

"I'm sorry, but yes, this is a joint assignment. Enjoy as much as you can, and remember that we want you to be completely honest about him, even if it's astoundingly negative or positive. We want you to be honest."

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Minamo carried the pile of essays and stalked moodily into the teacher's lounge. She looked around carefully, noting that only Yukari and her were there at the time.

"Alright, you've got some explaining to do. I think that your little stunt there gave Kaorin a bout of mental trauma. Hope you're happy."

"Oh, you should know more than anyone else how much I like to deliver a bit of trauma. Anyway, you snagged all of the papers in your class, right? Everyone wrote their thing, and everyone was honest, yeah?"

"Yes, as far as I can tell. How exactly are we supposed to grade these, anyway? I mean, sure you can correct grammar, but for the most part, it's all just their own personal opinions! We can't judge them for that, can we?"

"Oh, just grade them based on the names. If they get the same kind of grade they normally get, then they won't really question anything. See? Chiyo's a genius, so she gets 100. Yomi's smart, and even moreso, smart enough to check why she lost points, so she also gets 100. Sakaki's kind of smart, but she's very distracted and won't double-check her papers, so she gets 85. Tomo'd get braggy at Yomi if her score was too high, and so it has to be around 40. Osaka's Osaka, so she gets 45. Ka…"

"Okay, you can stop. I get it, although it doesn't feel right. What exactly do you plan to do with all of these, anyway?"

"It's information, Nyamo. Mankind's greatest aspiration is the collection of information, the pursuit of greater knowledge! That is how we rise above the dregs of the natural world, and that's why I keep my research slider at well over 60 all the time!"

"That's also why your cities riot, your nation goes into debt, and Shaka comes over and claims your nation in the name of the almighty Zulu."

"That's partly because Shaka's a jackass."

"Yeah, he is, kind of. So it's just information, right?"

"Yeah, but it's a ton of information! We're going to roll it all up and make a beautiful star!"

"A beautiful star?"

"A Kimuramari! We are moved to tears by the size of it!"

"You're not going to start using the royal "We." It took me months to get you to stop doing it, you're not starting it up again."

"We are hurt, Nyamo."

"Not as much as you will be if you keep talking in the plural."

"Oh, diminutive prin… Hello, Mr. Gotou!" shouted Yukari, waving at the somewhat elderly man entering the teacher's lounge.

"Hello, Miss Tanizaki."

"Excuse us, but we would like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind."

"Oh, well, alright. Questions about what?"

"Well, if it doesn't seem too strange, Nyamo wanted to ask you about Mr. Kimura."

"She does know that he's married, right?"

"Wouldn't sto-"

Minamo pushed Yukari over, glaring angrily at her. "It's not like that, Mr. Gotou. We're simply trying to find out more about some of our esteemed colleagues, and figured that Kimura would be a good way to start. You and Mr. Kimura have been at this school for longer than Yukari and I have been, and Kimura has always seemed somewhat… enigmatic, you know? So we would like to ask you about what he'd been doing before we got here."

"Oh, let's see, you guys arrived around eight years ago, right? Well, you know, Mr. Kimura had been really kind of run ragged around then."

"Oh, we see," Yukari said, interrupting Gotou. "Revitalized by Yukari's vibrant beauty, eh? Well, maybe Nyamo helped. 90-10."

Minamo sighed, looking over to her the older teacher. "Mr. Gotou, why was Mr. Kimura run ragged? What was wrong with him at that time?"

"Well, you see, it was around that time that Kimura's wife was pregnant with their daughter. I don't know if you'd heard, but their daughter's always been kind of on the small side, and she doesn't eat much. He winds up worrying about her a lot even now, and I can only imagine that it was much more intense back then, when she was just being born."

"Hmm… perhaps we're too hard on him, Yukari."

"What? Gotou, that's not the same Kimura we know. He's rather… er… relaxed nowadays, if you couldn't tell."

"Yeah, he loosened up after his daughter was born. I'm not entirely sure if I should tell you why, so really, I think that it would be best for you to ask him yourself."

Minamo smiled wanly at Gotou and bowed slightly. "Aha. You're probably right, we should do that. Thank you for your help, we appreciate it. We'll go ask him ourselves."

"Hold it, Nyamo," Yukari barked. "Gotou, you're ignoring the main thing about Kimura, you know. He's widely seen as a pervert, and yet you cover for him when he slips into Nyamo's gym class. Why?"

"… He wasn't always that way. Before his daughter was born, he was really rather an okay guy. The kids actually rather liked him, although being children, they took advantage of it. Kind of sad, really, because he used to be such a nice guy. I'm not sure what happened, but after his daughter was born, he changed, and the discipline problems went away. Oh, and he may be a pervert, but he doesn't cross the line. He knows exactly where it is, and he doesn't go over."

"Hm… We suppose you may have a point there."

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Minamo sighed. _Reading. Lots of reading. I'm a gym teacher specifically because it meant that I would have to do a minimum of reading, but no, I still wind up slowly easing through a big pile of papers and having to decipher the children's handwriting, all because I had an odd idea one day._

Yukari grinned at Minamo. "Buck up, plucky! We know reading's not your thing, but we're now in pursuit of the truth! Dive eagerly into the Kimuramari! Besides, some of this stuff here is kind of interesting, you know?"

"What? Interesting? You have a bizarre idea of 'Interesting', Yukari. I just finished Kaori's paper. It took a little bit to decipher it, probably because her hands were clenched in tiny little balls of rage while she was trying to write. Even then, I kind of wish I didn't. Here, take a look."

Yukari took the paper from her friend and looked it over carefully. "Nyamo?"

"Yes, Yukari?"

"We think we just threw up a little… with our heart."

"Yeah, I got that too."

"On the other hand, there was an interesting bit from that Genji kid's paper that should hopefully balance it out. The guy seems to be inspired by video games, or something. He says that Kimura is a 'Noble champion of the Truth,' or something. Apparently, Kimura wields the 'Sword that knows the Truth' and is charging it up with his honesty… or something. Actually, most of the boys seem to approve of him, applauding his honesty and forwardness, or something."

"Okay, so what've we gathered today?"

"Well, we can see the general effect that Kimura has made on the student body, can't we? The boys generally seem to have a sort of hero-worship complex about him, generally for being honest or for being very confident in himself. The girls? The girls are absolutely terrified of him, if not filled with murderous hatred, as we can see. And from Gotou, we learned that he hadn't always been this way, so at some point, presumably around the time of his daughter's birth, he changed for some reason. Why's that? Well, we've got an idea, but we think that it would be a good idea for us to confront Kimura himself."

"Two things, Yukari. First, I'm going to hit you for the Royal "We." Secondly, when and where?"

"At his house, after school, in front of his wife. No escape!"

"Cruel, but you're right."

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**Author's Note:** We're nearing the endgame! What's going to happen at the final showdown? Who will rise victorious above all else? Can you even rise victorious above all else in this kind of story? No, not really, so we're going to stop that right there.

Yaha. We are most pleased with the way this story is turning out, but we would be infinitely more pleased if you could roll up more reviews to make a truly beautiful star.


	5. Just A Finale

**Author's Notes: **Whee, it's the finale! Well, sorry about taking so long to actually get this out, but I... er... just started college, y'know? Trying to get used to a new environment and not having all my pleasant little places to curl up in and write anymmore. Ah well, I'll get back into the groove of things eventually.

Bwah! It's the final chapter! You don't need to hear my excuse, you need to see the chapter! Read, enjoy, and review! (third step mandatory)

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The small blue car puttered along the streets of Tokyo, definitely having a destination, although certainly taking its time about getting to said destination.

"Why're we going so slow?" asked Yukari. "This is the climax! The final, stunning revelation! This is the extremely dramatic, totally hot-blooded part! We should be burning so much rubber that we outdo the American planes!"

Upon hearing the last exclamation, Minamo turned towards Yukari and gaped, not daring to breathe.

"What, is it too soon to joke about that?"

"Much too soon."

"Oh. Still, why're we going so slowly?"

"We're going slowly because we've got to make sure that we've got all of our information straight. We're already going to surprise Kimura by visiting him unannounced, so we might as well be absolutely ready for all possibilities. Consolidate our evidence, y'know?"

"Oh! If we've got to waste a bit of time anyway, can we stop by my house and snag an outfit? It'll make even Kimura's wife hard gay for me."

"No. You're not dressing up in anything ridiculous, firstly because you will invariably force me to dress up in something just as ridiculous. Secondly, we have to present a serious, mature front to Kimura here. Thirdly, exactly how would it help for Kimura's wife to be gay for you?"

"Well, y'know, she c… er… hey, what's all this about evidence again?"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, we've got a lot of information, so let's start sifting through it. We know th-"

"What? Why are you doing the evidence recap? You probably couldn't discern evidence from forgeries, being a silly gym teacher an' all."

"…" _In your case, Yukari, evidence and forgeries are more or less one and the same._

"That's what I thought. Anyway, here's what we've got…"

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The small blue car puttered up to Kimura's neighborhood, parking a short distance away so as to not arouse any attention from the occupants of the household.

"Y'ready Nyamo? We're here."

"Did we really have to park that far away, Yukari? We're going to confront him anyway, how does it help for him to not know we're coming if we're just going to announce it anyway?"

"Eh? Who said we were going to announce it? We're gonna sneak in there, y'know? That's why I brought this cardboard box!"

"What?"

"Okay, let me explain this to you."

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Inside the Kimura residence, the doorbell rings politely. Mai Kimura, being the dedicated housewife that she is, runs over to the door hastily. Mr. Kimura sits in the room with Nanako, perhaps enjoying an entirely pleasant afternoon.

Mai reaches the door and opens it, smiling and ready to greet the visitor. She is entirely surprised to see nobody there, and glances around a few times, trying to find any would-be pranksters. She looks down to her feet and notices something.

"!"

"Just a box…" she mutters to herself. With that, she turns around, longing to join her loving family. She lets the door swing shut, and we reach our legs out from below the box, blocking the door and stealthily getting into the household."

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As Yukari finished, a loud burst of laughter broke Minamo's stunned silence. "Wahahaha!"

"Hey, the plan's not that bad, Nyamo!"

"That wasn't me, although I was definitely thinking that."

"Who was that?"

"Sounded kind of like Osaka."

"Ehehehe, no, no, hah, it's not any Osakan nyoron, it's just me!" announced the seemingly familiar voice.

A girl with long green hair and a charming smile stepped out of the bushes, smiling at the two teachers.

"Who… are you?" asked Minamo.

"Hehe, I suppose I should introduce myself, yeah? I'm Tsuruya, hehe. By the way, lady, that plan is megas good, you know!"

Minamo stared at her. _Megas?_

"See Nyamo? She thinks it's an excellent plan."

"Do you even know who she is?"

"Tsuruya-san, of course." Yukari answered, not missing a beat.

"…she doesn't even have a first name in your mind, does she?"

Tsuruya stared at Minamo, still grinning. "It's just a name, nyoron" With that, she launched into another bout of uproarious laughter.

_I'm… hopelessly outnumbered here._ "Tsuruya-san, why are you here?"

The green-haired girl paused and tried to catch her breath, then flipped her ankle-length hair dramatically. After doing so, she started to laugh uncontrollably, but between bursts of giggling, she managed to spit out a somewhat coherent message. "Aha! Mikuru told me that Haruhi said that the SOS Brigade got a call from someone who sounded exactly like me asking them to help investigate this household and the person living inside it. So, y'know, I figured that if I thought something was important enough that I'd ask the SOS Brigade for help on it, it must really be megas important. Naturally, I went to go investigate it myself."

"Erm… well… that's nice and all, Tsuruya-san, but we're also investigating this person. Did you find anything interesting?"

"Not in the slightest, nyoron."

"Mmh. Oh well, thank you for your help. You can go home now, don't worry about it."

"Hup! No problem, y'know! Tell me to call the SOS Brigade for me if I ever need help!" With that, she wandered off down the sidewalk, still laughing.

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"Weird girl, eh Yukari?"

"I kind of liked her, nyoron."

"Don't do that."

"Okay, anyway, let's get ourselves into Kimura's household, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah, let's go," replied Minamo, starting to trudge up the sidewalk towards the front door. She recoiled in surprise when Yukari dashed past her, screaming. "What are you doing, Yukari?"

The English teacher didn't seem to hear her, and continued to run towards the door. "**ADUN TORIDAS!**" shouted Yukari, striking the door solidly with a kick.

One second later, she was sprawled on the ground, tending to her foot. Eight seconds later, Minamo caught up to Yukari. "Why did you do that?" she asked.

"**MY LEG FOR AIUR!**"

"…"

Mai Kimura opened the door at this point, thirteen seconds after the initial impact. "Aha, it's you two again! Come in, come in, Masaaki is actually home right now! Unfortunately, Nanako is not home at the moment. She's at a friend's sleepover." Without waiting for a reply, Mrs. Kimura turned around and started back towards the living room.

"That's nice to hear, Mai. Thank you for inviting us in. C'mon, Yukari."

"My leeeeg."

"That's entirely your fault. Get up."

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"Aha! Miss Tanizaki, Miss Kurosawa! What a feast for the eyes!" shouted Kimura, sitting in an armchair, staring at the two women as they walked in. Mai Kimura took her place in a chair next to her husband. If the forwardness of his statement and its content bothered her at all, she did not allow it to show.

Minamo smiled at the couple politely. "Good afternoon, Mr. Kimura. Good afternoon, Mai." Yukari fought back tears and hobbled over to the couch, not saying anything. Minamo took her seat next to the English teacher.

Kimura looked at his colleagues, smiling wanly."Ah, so you've already met mai waifu, Ms. Kurosawa?"

_That… pun… so… painful… aah…_ "Yes, we've met. It's nice to get to know people, yes?"

"I agree wholeheartedly! Getting to know people is one of the highest pursuits of mankind! It is the foundation for society! As such, Miss Kurosawa, I think that we should get to know each other better," suggested Kimura, managing to still sound somewhat lecherous.

Minamo glanced over to Mai, and noted the reaction, or rather, the lack thereof. "Mai, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but Mr. Kimura is commonly seen around the school as a perverse person. It is common knowledge that he's not exactly a person to look to for a pillar of moral guidance. About half of the student body would agree, right Yukari?"

The English teacher, who seemed to have recovered from her injury, straightened up in her seat. "Yeah, I'm afraid that despite being a gym teacher, Nyamo is actually quite correct in her assertions here."

"Ah, is that so?" asked Mai Kimura, still unfazed.

"Yes. We're here today because we've been investigating Mr. Kimura little bit over these past few days."

"Oh, you've been investigating me, Miss Kurosawa? Perhaps you should let me investigate you a little bit, yeah? Fair's fair, right?"

_I can't believe that I'm arguing for him not being a pervert. _"Mr. Kimura, all of your actions at school point towards you being a pervert. As a matter of fact, almost every single thing you do is an extremely strong indicator of perverseness."

"Ah, but every man has his flaws…"

"Yes, every man has his flaws. Yours is that you're not very good at pretending. You've acted like a pervert this entire time, yet in doing so you've shown that you are probably not a pervert!"

Mai, still smiling, voiced her concerns. "I… don't quite follow you, Minamo."

"Oh, don't worry, it'll all be clear very soon. First of all, you would agree that your husband is not an idiot, correct? To be teaching classical literature, he would have to be at least somewhat intelligent, correct?"

"Yes, Masaaki is quite mentally astute."

"Right. Anyway, at school, Mr. Kimura is very obvious about his perversion. He declares everything loudly, in front of as many students as possible. He doesn't even try to hide it just a little bit. Does something strike you as odd about that?"

"…no."

"If he were intelligent, which we have already established that he is, he would know that this would put his career in danger. He could still be a pervert without being so obvious about it. Furthermore, he has tried to hit on a few girls from the school, but there is an interesting quirk about each girl he tries to hit on."

"And that quirk is?"

"They're all very obviously lesbians. Now, as we've already asserted, Mr. Kimura is not an unintelligent individual. It should be very easy for even the somewhat daft to figure out that these girls would not go for Mr. Kimura.

"And your point is?"

"He picks the girls that everyone knows he has absolutely no chance. He hits on them to show that he is the creepy pervert, not because he actually wants to get with the girls."

"…that's all conjecture."

"Yes, but it is an awful lot of conjecture, and there's still more. We learned from you a few days ago that Mr. Kimura is quite the family man, and that he cares a lot about his daughter. Furthermore, Mr. Gotou told us that he had not been like that at school until around eight years ago, shortly before we started teaching. Kimura's actions do not fit with Kimura's character. He is a fake."

"Do you know what you're claiming, Miss Kurosawa?" asked Mai, still smiling.

"Yes."

"Then you do realize how absurd it sounds, right? That my husband would go to school and pretend to be a pervert for no adequately explained reason."

"Mai waifu is right," added Kimura. "While you have created a somewhat plausible situation, it's all entirely based off of conjecture. Worst of all, you do not have a motive for me to pretend. Without a motive, there is no reason to believe that I would pretend to be a pervert when it is almost as simple for me to just be a pervert. I'm afraid this is the end for your game, although we should get together and play with each other some other time."

"Kimura, this is no game. We… er… well, I'm serious here."

"Then why, praytell, would I be pretending?"

Yukari's eyes flashed brightly, and she gave the couple a predatory smirk. "Kimura, you'll regret those words!"

"Ah, Miss Tanizaki, you've got some say in this as well?"

"You called down the thunder, now reap the whirlwind!"

Minamo looked at her friend nervously. "Yukari… what are you getting at?"

Yukari didn't respond to Minamo at all, and suddenly clasped her hands together. She stared at the Kimura couple, still wearing a feral grin.

"**I am the heart of my idea.  
Whim is my body, and thought is my blood,**

**I have created over a thousand scenarios"**

"What?" gasped Mrs. Kimura, surprised at Yukari's sudden outburst.

"**Unknown to logic,**

**Nor known to reason," **continued the English teacher.

_Why English?_ Minamo thought. _Actually, even though I'm not an English teacher, something seems wrong with it…_

"Tear the truth from the lies, brilliance cleaves mystery in two,"

_Why's that bit in Japanese?_

"**Have withstood criticism to create many situations,**

**Yet this mind will never comprehend anything,**

**So as I say, "Unlimited Theory Works!"**

_And back in English. What the f… Yukari, this wasn't part of the plan! What are you doing?_

Yukari smiled at Kimura and his wife, unnerving everyone in the room. Minamo quietly thanked a few choice deities for making sure that Nanako was elsewhere for this event.

"Mr. Kimura, you are in fact a hyper-religious person! So much so that when you were a small child, you were raised to believe that there was no such thing as lesbians or gay people! Furthermore, this odd rearing has made you something of a recluse and a sexual deviant, so despite being quite brilliant, you are unable to pick up on the fact that there are such girls who would not want to be with a man, resulting in you hitting on girls like Kaorin. Also, your religious upbringing conflicts with your sexual urges, causing you to make lecherous comments but go no further!"

"Nope, that one's quite off," answered Mr. Kimura, now seeming somewhat nervous.

"Then, the next idea! You and Mai are both actually top-tier psychologists, and you're using the school as a ground for conducting psychological studies on a mass scale. Kimura uses his position to manipulate stimuli within the school's environment, and because he is a teacher, he can always observer the results and report them back to Mai. She provides the pleasant front for the experiments, and her perpetual good cheer is a result of having an intricate understanding of her own psyche!"

"What? No, I'm not a psychologist, dear." answered Mai.

"Kimura is actually an aspiring actor, and has been refining his act over the years in order to best fit into the over-the-top pervert stereotype. This is also why he spends so much time yelling, because he is trying to train his voice for this sort of thing…"

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_Forty-five minutes later_

"…and that's why it's banned in Canada!"

"That was possibly the most ridiculous one yet," muttered Minamo.

"As you can see, what you are facing is an unlimited number of theories. The finest of theories. Throw your façade away and take me on!" shouted Yukari.

"What happened to presenting a professional, mature front?" asked Minamo irritatedly.

"It's almost as if she's crumbled reality just by giving that speech in English earlier…" whispered Mai to nobody in particular.

"Reality marble!" shouted Yukari. "Next! As a matter of fact, Mai and Masaaki have some things to hide, yes? A student wandered by the house one day and looked in the window and saw Mr. and Mrs. Kimura with a funnel and several eels, and they we-"

Yukari was cut off by the bulk of Minamo's athletic figure colliding with her. "That is not meant for anyone to hear. Ever."

Yukari didn't respond with any words, and simply coughed and gasped, trying to find her breath.

"Five times," muttered Kimura. "That killed me five times…"

Minamo glared at Kimura. "Am I the only sane one right now?"

"So all of those theories were ridiculous," said Mai. "Entertaining, perhaps, but in the end they were all ridiculously farfetched, and so far you still haven't provided a compelling motive. Sorry, but it doesn't seem to fit just yet."

Now it was Minamo's turn to give the couple a disconcerting grin. "Yukari might not have had a proper theory," she said, relishing the fact that her friend could not cut her off right now, out of breath as Yukari was, "but you see, I have my own theory. It is not an infinite number of theories, but I think just this one should be enough to solve our mystery here."

With that said, she reached into her bag and slammed a small stack of papers onto the table between the opposing parties.

"What is this?" asked Mai.

"This," started Yukari, sneaking in a few words between gasps for air, "is the Kimuramari. It chronicles the way the students in both our classes view Kimura…"

"Yes, that it does. If you look through this, you should find sufficient motive for Kimura to pretend to be a pervert."

"Wh…what is it?"

"Look first at all of the girl's papers… well, you might want to skip Kaorin's, but the rest of them still ring true. The girls loathe Mr. Kimura and furthermore are afraid of Mr. Kimura. They do see him as this creepy pervert who is to be avoided at all costs."

"Yes, and? That would seem to indicate that he is a pervert."

"And all of the boy's papers praise Mr. Kimura, adore him for some reason, mostly claiming that he is honest and that he is a teacher whose heart is in tune with their own."

"And that would seem to indicate that Masaaki is not a liar or a pretender. This evidence doesn't seem to help you at all, Minamo."

"No, no it doesn't, not until you look at the records kept in the school. Would you like to know something peculiar about Mr. Kimura, Mai?"

"That's what this whole evening has been about, hasn't it?"

"Mr. Kimura has never committed any sort of disciplinary action in our school. Never gave a detention, never sent someone out of class, never sent someone to the principal, nothing. Mr. Kimura is a terrifically huge softie as far as discipline goes."

"Yes, and?"

"And now it all comes together. Mr. Kimura had, after a few years of working at the school, gained a reputation for being a very lax, very soft teacher. Of course, children are children, and upon learning this, took full advantage of it. Kimura had disciplinary problems in a class, and he was a teacher who did not like issuing punishments at all. Furthermore, around eight years ago, you first became pregnant, and worse yet, when your child was born with some difficulties. She didn't eat, she didn't grow very quickly, and in the end I'm sure it caused both of you terrific amounts of worry. This added to the stress Kimura was facing from his classroom, and eventually, he tried something desperate."

"Desperate…"

"Yes. According to Mr. Gotou, Mr. Kimura has never crossed the line as far as perverse actions goes. He knows exactly where he is safe, and always stays there. So what did Kimura do to relieve the problems eight years ago? He figured out exactly how far he could go with pretending to be perverse, and proceeded to toe the line. In doing so, he made the girls in his class incredibly uncomfortable and afraid to do anything to draw any attention to themselves by acting up in class. Pretending to be perverse also galvanized the boys in his class, making them all adore and respect him, thus stopping them from causing any disciplinary problems in his class. Attempting to pick up the lesbian girls in our school only furthered his image as an eccentric, misguided, weird pervert, and as a result he no longer had problems in his class and did not have to deal with issuing punishments to his beloved students."

Mai simply stared at Minamo, her smile finally disappearing from her face.

"You got us…" muttered Kimura. "I'm sorry, but I just can't bear to punish my students."

"Yes… well… this way isn't exactly a good alternative, Mr. Kimura."

"Yes… I know."

"Well, we've found the truth, Yukari. If you don't mind, Mrs. Kimura, Mr. Kimura, we're heading home now."

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"Ah, so that's what you got at the school, eh? Secret weapons, extra evidence. We totally should have brought the suits, Nyamo."

"I think that we didn't really need the suits."

"How many times do I have to tell you not to think, my dear? It doesn't suit gym teachers."

"Yukari…"

"Ah, don't worry, you know I'm just teasing you."

"Yeah, yeah. Do you think he's going to change?"

"I don't know, really. I honestly can't say. Do you think we should do something if he keeps on with it?"

"I don't know, Yukari, I don't know."

"Ah, you don't know anything, you musclebound imbecile."

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**Author's Nyoron**

"Hey Lire, hey Lire!"

"What do you want, Tsuruya?"

"Do you think there's any chance you'll let me appear in any further stories?"

"Probably not."

"Nyoron…"

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**Author's Note: **Whee. It's done. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, ja? Oyah, oyah, there's really nothing for me to say here, except for a couple small things that I guess I should address.

Yukari's talk about the American planes is referencing the american firebombing of Tokyo during World War II. It's a horribly inappropriate joke, hence Nyamo's reaction.

The eels and the funnel? Well, okay, here's what I will tell you. It involves a funnel and eels, and it's something that Minamo is extremely uncomfortable talking about and does not consider proper for even Yukari's Unlimited Theory Works. That's all you get. A funnel, eels, and embarassment. Feel free to go into some wild conjecture now, as that's how some excellent fanfics are written, y'know?

That's it, eh?

Just a reviewer...

I hope.


End file.
